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1997-04-16
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Subject: AGGIE JOKES
HERE IS A TEXAS AGGIE STORY I THOUGHT YOU'D ENJOY. (A TEXAS AGGIE IS A STUDENT/
GRADUATE OF TEXAS A&M, AND USUALLY THE BUTT OF A JOKE, OR TWO OR THREE).
ONE NIGHT, 2 AGGIES WERE WALKING ALONG THE BRAZOS RIVER, WHEN THEY SAW A FELLOW
AGGIE ON THE OTHER SIDE. THE TWO AGGIES WANTED TO VISIT WITH THE THIRD, BUT
THERE WERE NO BRIDGES NEARBY. THE FIRST AGGIE SAID THAT HE HAD A GREAT IDEA.
HE WOULD SHINE A FLASHLIGHT ACROSS THE RIVER, AND THE SECOND AGGIE COULD WALK
ACROSS ON THE BEAM OF LIGHT. THE SECOND AGGIE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT FOR A FEW MIN
UTES, AND THEN EXCLAIMED, "NO, THAT WON'T WORK. AS SOON AS I GET HALFWAY ACROS
S, YOU'LL TURN OFF THE FLASHLIGHT!" ....
=========================================================================
Northern Girl: Hmmph! Men are all alike!
Southern Girl: Yeah, men are all ah like, too!
----------------------------------------------------
"If you were going to shoot a mime,
would you use a silencer?"
----------------------------------------------------
Ernestine Hill (I have no idea who he is apart from this quote) has said that
over many decades the citizens of Darwin fell into two categories - those who
were paid to stay there and those who had no money to leave.
----------------------------------------------------
Apparently, a U.S. military officer at a base in the south seas had
some local natives assist him in doing an inventory count. After
most of a day of work, the native supervisor reported that
the warehouse contained 2,000 crates of "This end up" and 3,000
crates of "Use no hooks."
Well, they *claimed* it was true....
----------------------------------------------------
SAW THIS ON THE BACK OF A VAN IN ROCHESTER;
CAUTION: BLIND MAN DRIVING
ON THE SIDE OF THE VAN (AFTER I PASSED IT TO CHECK OUT THE DRIVER)
ROCHESTER VENETIAN BLIND CO.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
(Esquire Magazine annual Dubious Achievement awards
Late at night the police in Atlanta stopped a car
going in an distinctly erratic and halting manner.
The owner having admittedly just finished a very
long night at a nearby bar was drunk - far too
drunk to drive but still sobber enough the realize
and aceept that he was in no condition to drive.
The driver, a friend from the bar, was quite sobber
but was following the directions of the drunken owner
which in part account for the erratic driving. The
the driver it turn out did not have driver's liscence
for the driver was blind.
----------------------------------------------------
Here in the Portland Oregon area, when Exxon spilled their goo all over
the Alaska coast, a local student spent his life savings, $5,000, to
take out a full-page ad in the newspaper, urging people to boycott
Exxon gas stations.
He proudly showed the ad to a friend, who pointed out that Exxon has no
gas stations in Oregon.
----------------------------------------------------
At a upper class dinner party, one female guest pulled the hostess aside and
said to her, "If you do not mind, please do not seat me next to Dr. Samuel
Johnson. He smells." She did not notice Johnson standing behind her within
earshot, who immediately came over and entered the conversation. Said he, "I
beg your pardon, madam, but it is YOU who smell. I stink."
One evening Mrs Noah Webster entered the parlor late and found her husband
kissing the chambermaid. She gasped, and said, "Well! I'm surprised!"
Webster turned and said, "No, madam. WE are surprised. You are amazed."
----------------------------------------------------
Steven Wright:
On Ballerinas - "Why are they always on their tip-toes? ...
why don't they just get taller women?"
"I was staying in an old hotel ...
... they sent me a wake-up letter."
Whatever temperature a room is, it's always room temperature ...
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
"I have all the erasers to all the miniature golf pencils in the world."
----------------------------------------------------
My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class
of women--Woody Allen
Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are
to women?--Virginia Woolf
----------------------------------------------------
the idea that limbless animals use less energy than do legged animals.
Biologist Bruce Jayne and crew monitored snakes' movements slithering on
treadmills while wearing tiny oxygen masks.
----------------------------------------------------
The optimist sees a glass that's half full.
The pessimist sees a glass that's half empty.
An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be!
----------------------------------------------------
The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a
small story which appeared in the Los Angeles Times.
As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught
three times in an alleged speed trap. He sued the city
under RICO (Racketeering Influence and Corruption) statutes.
Part of the allegation is that the city set the speed limit
without reviewing the traffic patterns every 5 years.
A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO.
I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress
passed the RICO statutes.
----------------------------------------------------
On CNN:
The outlook for the economy is so bad that the mob in New Jersey
just laid off 3 judges.
----------------------------------------------------
J. Patterson of Ottawa has just been sentenced to 6 years in prison
for holding up a trust company. Mr Patterson was captured after
a high speed chase which ended when the car in which he was
riding collided with a grave stone in a cemetary. Police found
Mr Patterson and the loot in the trunk of the car.
Mr Patterson stole $6000 from the trust company. The police
confiscated the gun he used in the robbery. They discovered
that it was an antique Colt 45. It is to be auctioned
with a reserve bid of $100,000.
----------------------------------------------------
A drunk approached a gas bar late at night and told the
attendants he was robbing them. When they refused to
give him anything, he threatened to call the police.
When they still refused, he called the police. When
the police arrived, the drunk was promptly arrested.
----------------------------------------------------
As recently reported on CNN:
Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's
daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited"
(i.e. expected to attend). The bride and groom were police, as was the
band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the
wedding was "S.P.O.C" (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through
the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward. The long-sought
dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song
the band played before taking its break? - "I fought the law, and the
law won".
----------------------------------------------------
Seen in a tabloid-style advertisment for a kind of surplus store in
a piece where they are making fun of Pentagon $43,762.95 coffee cups:
"We will not be oversold!
Our guarantee: If you find the same item for a higher
price within 30 days of purchase, we will cheerfully
bill you for the difference plus 10%"
----------------------------------------------------
It has been proven that olives are a major killer of humans.
Statistics have shown that 100% of humans that ate an olive
in the year 1375 are dead.
----------------------------------------------------
I can't remember where I read this several years ago but it was
alleged to have really happened.
Back when Hubert Humphrey was active in politics he and his campaign
manager took a few days for a fishing trip in Northern Minnesota.
While they were in a small town a bus-load of tourists pulled in.
The manager suggested that this was a good opportunity to impress a
few voters and that he should go on the bus and "pump them up" a
bit, then Humphfrey could go shake everybody's hand. This sounded
good so the manager got on the bus. However instead of introducing
his candidate he pretended to be the mayor welcoming everybody to
town. Then looking towards Humphrey he said, "I guess I should
mention that we have a guy here who thinks he's Hubert Humphrey, and
he does look and talk a an awful lot like Hubert Humphrey. But he's
a harmless fellow and we kind of like him, so we'd appreciate it if
you would just kind of be nice to him."
After Humphrey shook their hands he commented on how strangely they
acted.
----------------------------------------------------
Communism is the only moral form for society, what will it take to put
people in a position to see that? (wrote one poster)
- Gunpoint
----------------------------------------------------
Helpful error messages:
Someone in a compiler writing class produced a compiler with one
error message "you lied to me when you told me this was a program"
-----------------------
Man the Lifeboats! Women and children first! ....
Management was not amused when the first customer called in for
support with this message. :-)
-----------------------
If things go amiss in Interactive Data Language, as they frequently do,
you get :
Something Rotten in Denmark, Interp Stack Not ALigned
just before the core dumps.
----------------------------------------------------
Our lab's run by three of us (a guy is the 'manager' over all, a girl is
the 'operator' [read: Vax runner], and I run the Suns), and we tend to
pull practical jokes on each other every once in a while. The manager came
up with a real beauty last week.
In the SHUTDOWN.COM procedures, he added a few lines to make it look like
this:
blahblah perform automatic reboot? blah blah...
(right after the last 'normal' question)
Will I dream? [yes] (she types yes)
Great! Lord knows I love a good dream.
<system comes down>
backup..
<system comes back up..enter SYLOGIN.COM>
(audit messages about images coming up)
Press [RETURN]:
Let me fill you in on my dream! It was horrible!! I dreamt I was
totally out-dated and I ran 4.3! And every night, after you all
left, the Suns tormented me through the window! They're real
bitches, those Suns! One even threw a Mip at me!
I was so SCARED...God I'm glad you're back!
Welcome to VAX/VMS 5.3-1.
----------------------------------------------------
GSP Digest #279
September 16, 1990
AND HOLD THE ANCHOVIES ON ALL 312
Inmates at a prison in New South Wales, Australia, took advantage of a
wardens' strike to break into an office and telephone an order for 18 tons
of concrete to be delivered as a prank. While they were at it, they called
out for 312 pizzas. (The concrete was sent back, but the prison had to pay
for the pizzas.)
THE CONTINUING CRISIS
An annual festival at California Polytechnic State University, San Luis
Obispo was called off in April after revelers got out of hand. At one
point, police officers (who eventually arrested 100) quelled the partyers by
shouting over bullhorns, "Assault on police officers will not look good on
your resumes!"
NON-STOP GRIDLOCK
Greg Weiler resigned in April after five years on a citizens advisory
committee to the Orange County Transportation Commission studying traffic
problems, saying he was constantly unable to get to meetings on time because
of freeway gridlock.
Carl Williams, 22, was indicted in Cleveland in December for having made 32
phone calls to 911 because he was bored and needed conversation. His mother
had had their telephone service fixed so Carl could no longer dial 900
numbers for conversation because he had been running up huge bills.
Ralph Armstrong, a retired firefighter in Santa Rosa, complaining a
construction company had reneged on its promise to build a noise shield
between its site and his home, erected his own shield in January - a solid
wall made of horse manure.
September 23, 1990
Secretary of State James Baker, on the July accord between Helmut Kohl and
Mikhail Gorbachev that would allow a united Germany to choose whether or not
to join NATO: "This is a delightful surprise to the extent that it is a
surprise, and it is only a surprise to the extent that we anticipated."
NASA spokesman Bob McMillan, commenting on the photographic success of the
Galileo spacecraft in February: "No problems. Everything has gone
tickety-boo."
The sister of the Japanese soldier who resurfaced last year in Malaysia,
where he had been hiding since World War II: "I did not hear from him for
nearly 50 years, so of course I was worried."
Hernando, Fla., Circuit Judge Richard Tombrink, barring reporters and the
public from a January meeting with three county administrators on recent jail
escapes: "If you want a free and open discussion, you can't allow the public
or the press in."
----------------------------------------------------