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Text File | 1997-04-16 | 14KB | 346 lines

Subject: AGGIE JOKES HERE IS A TEXAS AGGIE STORY I THOUGHT YOU'D ENJOY. (A TEXAS AGGIE IS A STUDENT/ GRADUATE OF TEXAS A&M, AND USUALLY THE BUTT OF A JOKE, OR TWO OR THREE). ONE NIGHT, 2 AGGIES WERE WALKING ALONG THE BRAZOS RIVER, WHEN THEY SAW A FELLOW AGGIE ON THE OTHER SIDE. THE TWO AGGIES WANTED TO VISIT WITH THE THIRD, BUT THERE WERE NO BRIDGES NEARBY. THE FIRST AGGIE SAID THAT HE HAD A GREAT IDEA. HE WOULD SHINE A FLASHLIGHT ACROSS THE RIVER, AND THE SECOND AGGIE COULD WALK ACROSS ON THE BEAM OF LIGHT. THE SECOND AGGIE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT FOR A FEW MIN UTES, AND THEN EXCLAIMED, "NO, THAT WON'T WORK. AS SOON AS I GET HALFWAY ACROS S, YOU'LL TURN OFF THE FLASHLIGHT!" .... ========================================================================= Northern Girl: Hmmph! Men are all alike! Southern Girl: Yeah, men are all ah like, too! ---------------------------------------------------- "If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?" ---------------------------------------------------- Ernestine Hill (I have no idea who he is apart from this quote) has said that over many decades the citizens of Darwin fell into two categories - those who were paid to stay there and those who had no money to leave. ---------------------------------------------------- Apparently, a U.S. military officer at a base in the south seas had some local natives assist him in doing an inventory count. After most of a day of work, the native supervisor reported that the warehouse contained 2,000 crates of "This end up" and 3,000 crates of "Use no hooks." Well, they *claimed* it was true.... ---------------------------------------------------- SAW THIS ON THE BACK OF A VAN IN ROCHESTER; CAUTION: BLIND MAN DRIVING ON THE SIDE OF THE VAN (AFTER I PASSED IT TO CHECK OUT THE DRIVER) ROCHESTER VENETIAN BLIND CO. ----------------------------------------------------------------- (Esquire Magazine annual Dubious Achievement awards Late at night the police in Atlanta stopped a car going in an distinctly erratic and halting manner. The owner having admittedly just finished a very long night at a nearby bar was drunk - far too drunk to drive but still sobber enough the realize and aceept that he was in no condition to drive. The driver, a friend from the bar, was quite sobber but was following the directions of the drunken owner which in part account for the erratic driving. The the driver it turn out did not have driver's liscence for the driver was blind. ---------------------------------------------------- Here in the Portland Oregon area, when Exxon spilled their goo all over the Alaska coast, a local student spent his life savings, $5,000, to take out a full-page ad in the newspaper, urging people to boycott Exxon gas stations. He proudly showed the ad to a friend, who pointed out that Exxon has no gas stations in Oregon. ---------------------------------------------------- At a upper class dinner party, one female guest pulled the hostess aside and said to her, "If you do not mind, please do not seat me next to Dr. Samuel Johnson. He smells." She did not notice Johnson standing behind her within earshot, who immediately came over and entered the conversation. Said he, "I beg your pardon, madam, but it is YOU who smell. I stink." One evening Mrs Noah Webster entered the parlor late and found her husband kissing the chambermaid. She gasped, and said, "Well! I'm surprised!" Webster turned and said, "No, madam. WE are surprised. You are amazed." ---------------------------------------------------- Steven Wright: On Ballerinas - "Why are they always on their tip-toes? ... why don't they just get taller women?" "I was staying in an old hotel ... ... they sent me a wake-up letter." Whatever temperature a room is, it's always room temperature ... On the other hand, you have different fingers. "I have all the erasers to all the miniature golf pencils in the world." ---------------------------------------------------- My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women--Woody Allen Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women?--Virginia Woolf ---------------------------------------------------- the idea that limbless animals use less energy than do legged animals. Biologist Bruce Jayne and crew monitored snakes' movements slithering on treadmills while wearing tiny oxygen masks. ---------------------------------------------------- The optimist sees a glass that's half full. The pessimist sees a glass that's half empty. An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be! ---------------------------------------------------- The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a small story which appeared in the Los Angeles Times. As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught three times in an alleged speed trap. He sued the city under RICO (Racketeering Influence and Corruption) statutes. Part of the allegation is that the city set the speed limit without reviewing the traffic patterns every 5 years. A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO. I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress passed the RICO statutes. ---------------------------------------------------- On CNN: The outlook for the economy is so bad that the mob in New Jersey just laid off 3 judges. ---------------------------------------------------- J. Patterson of Ottawa has just been sentenced to 6 years in prison for holding up a trust company. Mr Patterson was captured after a high speed chase which ended when the car in which he was riding collided with a grave stone in a cemetary. Police found Mr Patterson and the loot in the trunk of the car. Mr Patterson stole $6000 from the trust company. The police confiscated the gun he used in the robbery. They discovered that it was an antique Colt 45. It is to be auctioned with a reserve bid of $100,000. ---------------------------------------------------- A drunk approached a gas bar late at night and told the attendants he was robbing them. When they refused to give him anything, he threatened to call the police. When they still refused, he called the police. When the police arrived, the drunk was promptly arrested. ---------------------------------------------------- As recently reported on CNN: Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i.e. expected to attend). The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S.P.O.C" (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward. The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? - "I fought the law, and the law won". ---------------------------------------------------- Seen in a tabloid-style advertisment for a kind of surplus store in a piece where they are making fun of Pentagon $43,762.95 coffee cups: "We will not be oversold! Our guarantee: If you find the same item for a higher price within 30 days of purchase, we will cheerfully bill you for the difference plus 10%" ---------------------------------------------------- It has been proven that olives are a major killer of humans. Statistics have shown that 100% of humans that ate an olive in the year 1375 are dead. ---------------------------------------------------- I can't remember where I read this several years ago but it was alleged to have really happened. Back when Hubert Humphrey was active in politics he and his campaign manager took a few days for a fishing trip in Northern Minnesota. While they were in a small town a bus-load of tourists pulled in. The manager suggested that this was a good opportunity to impress a few voters and that he should go on the bus and "pump them up" a bit, then Humphfrey could go shake everybody's hand. This sounded good so the manager got on the bus. However instead of introducing his candidate he pretended to be the mayor welcoming everybody to town. Then looking towards Humphrey he said, "I guess I should mention that we have a guy here who thinks he's Hubert Humphrey, and he does look and talk a an awful lot like Hubert Humphrey. But he's a harmless fellow and we kind of like him, so we'd appreciate it if you would just kind of be nice to him." After Humphrey shook their hands he commented on how strangely they acted. ---------------------------------------------------- Communism is the only moral form for society, what will it take to put people in a position to see that? (wrote one poster) - Gunpoint ---------------------------------------------------- Helpful error messages: Someone in a compiler writing class produced a compiler with one error message "you lied to me when you told me this was a program" ----------------------- Man the Lifeboats! Women and children first! .... Management was not amused when the first customer called in for support with this message. :-) ----------------------- If things go amiss in Interactive Data Language, as they frequently do, you get : Something Rotten in Denmark, Interp Stack Not ALigned just before the core dumps. ---------------------------------------------------- Our lab's run by three of us (a guy is the 'manager' over all, a girl is the 'operator' [read: Vax runner], and I run the Suns), and we tend to pull practical jokes on each other every once in a while. The manager came up with a real beauty last week. In the SHUTDOWN.COM procedures, he added a few lines to make it look like this: blahblah perform automatic reboot? blah blah... (right after the last 'normal' question) Will I dream? [yes] (she types yes) Great! Lord knows I love a good dream. <system comes down> backup.. <system comes back up..enter SYLOGIN.COM> (audit messages about images coming up) Press [RETURN]: Let me fill you in on my dream! It was horrible!! I dreamt I was totally out-dated and I ran 4.3! And every night, after you all left, the Suns tormented me through the window! They're real bitches, those Suns! One even threw a Mip at me! I was so SCARED...God I'm glad you're back! Welcome to VAX/VMS 5.3-1. ---------------------------------------------------- GSP Digest #279 September 16, 1990 AND HOLD THE ANCHOVIES ON ALL 312 Inmates at a prison in New South Wales, Australia, took advantage of a wardens' strike to break into an office and telephone an order for 18 tons of concrete to be delivered as a prank. While they were at it, they called out for 312 pizzas. (The concrete was sent back, but the prison had to pay for the pizzas.) THE CONTINUING CRISIS An annual festival at California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo was called off in April after revelers got out of hand. At one point, police officers (who eventually arrested 100) quelled the partyers by shouting over bullhorns, "Assault on police officers will not look good on your resumes!" NON-STOP GRIDLOCK Greg Weiler resigned in April after five years on a citizens advisory committee to the Orange County Transportation Commission studying traffic problems, saying he was constantly unable to get to meetings on time because of freeway gridlock. Carl Williams, 22, was indicted in Cleveland in December for having made 32 phone calls to 911 because he was bored and needed conversation. His mother had had their telephone service fixed so Carl could no longer dial 900 numbers for conversation because he had been running up huge bills. Ralph Armstrong, a retired firefighter in Santa Rosa, complaining a construction company had reneged on its promise to build a noise shield between its site and his home, erected his own shield in January - a solid wall made of horse manure. September 23, 1990 Secretary of State James Baker, on the July accord between Helmut Kohl and Mikhail Gorbachev that would allow a united Germany to choose whether or not to join NATO: "This is a delightful surprise to the extent that it is a surprise, and it is only a surprise to the extent that we anticipated." NASA spokesman Bob McMillan, commenting on the photographic success of the Galileo spacecraft in February: "No problems. Everything has gone tickety-boo." The sister of the Japanese soldier who resurfaced last year in Malaysia, where he had been hiding since World War II: "I did not hear from him for nearly 50 years, so of course I was worried." Hernando, Fla., Circuit Judge Richard Tombrink, barring reporters and the public from a January meeting with three county administrators on recent jail escapes: "If you want a free and open discussion, you can't allow the public or the press in." ----------------------------------------------------